Get this. On a whim one day–OK, I'm working on a project–I decide to look up the word "mother" in my trusty Living Webster dictionary. The good book offers several obvious definitions, such as:

"The female who gives birth to a child."

"A female parent."

"Something that gives rise to, or exercises protective care over something else." (A bit utilitarian for me, though I can see how the authors meant for this to apply to both the human and animal kingdoms.)

And,

"The qualities characteristic of a mother." (Now, doesn't that say it all?)

But then the book offers this definition of mother. It's in a separate section immediately below.

"A thick slimy substance composed of bacteria that gathers on the surface of fermenting liquids and produces fermentation, especially in changing wine or cider to vinegar."

I understand that science needs access to the language just like every other discipline. But you’d think that practitioners would use a little discretion, or at least common sense, when crafting words for their use. Indeed, that’s the key: create a new word. Or at a minimum, don’t use one that has such a meaning and a place in our lives. If they must use a word pertaining to humans, why not “boss”? I’m sure many people would swear their bosses are a “slimy substance.” Geez. Don’t pick on Mom.

For all you English majors and students of Bill Buckley, Jr.: Yes, I know the word “mother” has foreign roots (German, according to my book). And although it’s pronounced the same whether used to talk about your parent or your petri dish, I imagine that the German root word was either spelled or pronounced differently. So perhaps the current definition doesn’t reflect changes over time.

Even so, you’d think someone–perhaps at a famous winery–would step forward with a new term the scientists can use. And allow “mother” to retain its rightful place in our hearts.

State wildlife biologists and local officials are investigating the reported sightings of an unusual creature in a marsh in New Berlin, Wis.

The creature has been described as a large iguana, an alligator, and “something from the deep lagoon.” Witnesses estimate it anywhere from 20 to 30 feet long and weighing upwards of 500 pounds.

Calls began pouring into city hall and the police department about three weeks ago. No injuries have been reported, but residents fear it’s only a matter of time before terror strikes.

All sightings have occurred near a marsh in a largely undeveloped portion of the city.

New Berlin, a quiet community of 38,200 just west of Milwaukee, has not experienced an incident like this in its 165-year history. Residents are understandably on edge.

Often called The Bayou for its resemblance to the swamps of southern Louisiana, the marsh in the northwest corner of the city usually offers a tranquil setting for people using the nearby bike path.

Could this creature be the descendant of a prehistoric beast, or someone’s pet released into the wild?

Biologists at the Department of Natural Resources are skeptical of the claims. Bob Kennedy, of the DNR’s Aquatic Animals Division, ruled out the obvious possibilities.

“Iguanas and alligators don’t get that big,” he said, “and alligators are saltwater creatures.” Plus, both prefer warm, humid climates, and wouldn’t fare well in Wisconsin’s cold weather.

Kennedy visited the area and found no evidence of such a creature. “No tracks, no nests, nothing.” Still, he was hard pressed to explain over a half-dozen sightings from as many people. He refused to speculate on what they actually saw.

Area residents stick by their stories.

Bob Stevenson jogs the trail approximately three times a week, and usually in the early evening. One evening he saw a large creature crawl over the nearby railroad tracks and into the marsh. “It looked like something from the deep lagoon.” he said, “and it scared the bejeesus out of me!” He quickly ran away.

Michelle Allison had a good scare while riding her bike one afternoon. She saw something that appeared to be an alligator, but she wasn’t sure. “I only caught a glimpse of it,” she said. Quickly pedaling away she thought, “Wait a minute. We don’t have any ‘gators in Wisconsin.” She looked back after hearing a splash, but saw nothing further.

Other witnesses have reported that it looked like a large iguana, with dark, bumpy skin and a long tail.

Canine officer Tim Hawthorne and his partner, Handcuffs, responded to a 911 call late one night. He didn't see anything, but noticed some rustling in the grass nearby. “Hard to tell what is was, though,” due to the heavy rain and strong wind that night.

Still, whatever it was frightened Handcuffs. "He was laying on the ground whimpering and shaking like a leaf,” Hawthorne said. “Really surprised me.” Handcuffs spent two years as a sentry along the DMZ in South Korea while a member of an Army K-9 unit. "He's one tough sonuvagun; I've never seen him act like that before.” Hawthorne was soon dispatched to assist with a drug bust, and didn't return that night.

Mayor Al Sorenson is in New York attending a conference, and unavailable for questions. A woman answering his phone did not want to comment on the matter. "Are you from the National Enquirer or something?" she asked before hanging up.

Residents living near the marsh are demanding that the city set traps, but authorities have taken no action. The DNR’s Kennedy said it’s not feasible at this point.

“Until we know what we’re dealing with,” he said, “we don’t know what type of trap to set or bait to use.”

For the time being, area residents and those using the bike trail are keeping a keen eye out. And, they’re taking extra precautions.

Jenny Springer regularly walks her dog along the trail. She plans to keep her poodle on a short leash from now on. “I won’t let Buttons run loose anymore,” she said.